I was born in the Fall of 1981. A transition of when the leaves are turning vivid colors to be the perfect backdrop for the festive holiday season. What is the purpose of my existence? I’m still finding that out. If it’s true about what they say, whomever they are, we select our families – we select our parents. If that’s the case, I made an educated decision and chose these two people to love, care for, and guide me into adulthood the best way they knew how. Hmmm, looking back on it, the best way they knew how seems like playing a round of Russian Roulette.
Wikipedia describes Russian Roulette as a Noun: The practice of loading a bullet into one chamber of a revolver, spinning the cylinder, and then pulling the trigger while pointing the gun at one’s own head.
- an activity that is potentially very dangerous.
As far back as I could remember, it was pretty lonely for me growing up in my home. I was the only child until I was eight years old and became best friends with Michelle from elementary school. Prior to that it was just the three of us: my mom, dad, and myself.
Being an only child, well I guess you can say I had “the only child syndrome”. Everything was mine since I didn’t have to share anything with anyone. Every decision came out of my own head – as far as what toys I would play with, how long I would play with that toy, and even where I would take that toy. The where would be the fun part – under the bed, outside on the unfinished swing-set that my father put together. The backyard swing-set was incomplete as the sliding board was never attached.
I learned how to swing on the monkey bars along with hang upside down until I would feel my feet going numb. A lot of those times, my stuffed animals would be outside playing with me. They all had different names and personalities. Some were too young to hang out with us big kids.
I can remember drawing hopscotch and jumping from number to number with just my own shadow. I learned how to draw pretty spectacular squares and write numbers very well with this childhood activity.
And jumping rope also became a favorite childhood fantasy. A memory of wishing another human that was my size was on the other end of the rope, as opposed to the chain link fence operating as my friend. I did learn to tie pretty good knots though.
Being the only child in my household did have it’s perks though. I stole all of the attention. I had great one-on-ones with both of my parents. Both of them possessed a different personality and teaching skill. I learned so much from both of them. One taught me how to cook, and the other taught me how to read and write. One spent time with me going to a park, teaching me how to photograph objects, showing me how to see if oil is low in a vehicle. The other would read to me, show me how to sew easy things like buttons on a shirt or make a basic stitch for a hole in a shirt. There weren’t many boring moments. There was always something to do. I felt like a spoiled princess with all of the attention, and almost everything was all about me.
After I was able to comprehend words and create sentences on my own, my mother would share family stories with me. Not necessarily secrets, but just things that seemed to be too much information, or entirely to deep of a conversation to have with a seven year old.
One of the stories shared talked about my other siblings that didn’t make it into this world. My mother had four miscarriages before I was born; which was even before she met my father. Those miscarriages happened almost twenty years ago. Then there was another uncommon story of a child that didn’t make it, in addition to the previous miscarriages. That baby shared both of my parents, he is the one that I felt the closest too, even if he and I never met face-to-face. There was still a weird connection.
Do you ever feel like there’s someone else in the world that is apart of your family? Or even just a part of you? I would often have a strange sensation that I have a sibling in the world, that was born to both of my parents, that was somewhere out there living a life of unanswered questions. If only we could be reunited.
I’ve always believed in spirits, ghosts, or entities; whatever the politically correct, or the best way to describe something that we don’t understand in a non-frightening way. I have been places where a strong sense of fear would cover my entire being in goosebumps, accompanied with an accelerated heart. I have also been in situations where I would feel a presence, or even partially see a shadow. Most of those times, the moment didn’t scare me at all, but an overwhelming blanket of peace would cover me a fascinating sense of happiness. And if I could surrender in the moment and be completely still and relaxed, I could here answers to questions that I didn’t even know were proposed. After a while (for me) paying attention to those feelings became very close to my own thoughts and considered my intuitions.
When I was younger, I had an extensive imagination. To me, that was my normal. My experience would feel so realistic with my brother when he would come and visit. He was at least three years older than me. The feeling of his presence would give me emotions that he was right there in the same room talking and teaching me life lessons. At that time, we probably weren’t older than four and seven years old. We always had a fantasy dream that would take us from the playroom to the galaxy in outer space. Everything would seem so real and perfect until I would notice my reflection in a mirror, and realize that I was the only one in the room. Just me and my stuffed animals.
With that type of a complex connection to some other kind of source, I never felt disconnected from my brother. He was always with me, which is strange as he didn’t make it out of the hospital.
That part of my life is complicated and has so many questions to be answered. For starters, when it was time for my brother to make an entrance into this world, someone at the hospital decided differently. My mother went to the hospital with regular signs and pains of contractions, my father was right by her side. She delivered a healthy baby boy. At that time, for whatever reason in 1978, she was told that the doctors couldn’t repair her delivery wounds (provide stitches for ripped tissue) until papers were signed. There wasn’t an alternative for my parents except to sign the documents, or risk an infection that could lead to life threatening complications. So what were they supposed to do?
Honey? I don’t understand why I’m not pregnant yet. We’ve done everything right. We’ve monitored my eating, I’ve watched my weight, I went to the fertility clinic. Since then, I’ve been producing eggs regularly. I just don’t understand it. I need a baby, Joe!
I know sweetie. I was there with you at the clinic and was also examined. Maybe it’s just not in the cards for us to have kids Rylie… Well, here’s an idea… I’m going to see our doctor again in the next few months. In the meantime, maybe we can explore avenues for adoption. I’m pretty sure we can work something out and adopt a newborn into our family. There’s plenty out there that needs a good home. I’ll check into it for you and see what we’ll have to do babe. I just want you to be happy.
Eww, I don’t know about adopting. I don’t want to deal with a crack baby born malnourished and premature. Or worse, it’s some thug’s baby that wants it back in two years with their typical story that they’ve changed and found the light. You’ve read the stories, don’t hide behind your lavish office walls and act like you haven’t read it in the papers. Those whores hang out soliciting more than just those needles. I don’t know, it’s too risky. We live in a gated community for a reason, to keep that kind of behavior out. You never know who’s sack of DNA is going to show up in that bassinet.
Rylie, don’t be ridiculous. I’m simply going to gather all of the information. The more we are informed, we can make a better decision. Either you want a baby, or you don’t. This might be the only option for us.
Pam, I can’t comprehend what’s going on. Maybe there’s something wrong with me and the doctors are choosing to not reveal any information on why I can’t have a baby. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
Rylie… darling… you have to try to stay calm and remember to be patient. Situations like this can bring you so much stress. You have a great life with your husband, why complicate things? Instead of traveling and having your spa days, you’ll be consumed with finding a nanny willing to work around the clock for you. Otherwise you’re stuck with a tiny version of yourself, and it’s needs will come first. Are you sure you’re ready for all of that?
It’s just becoming dead weight like I’m slipping into depression. We’ve been trying to have a baby for five years now. All of my other girlfriends either have children transitioning into potty training, or going into Kindergarten. Then there’s us, just so focused on our careers. Our lives have been a charade of happiness for years. It’s painful going to work everyday, and talking with unfit mothers, in hopes of teaching them to live and care for their children. When is it my turn? I’ve never even touched drugs. I’ve been healthy my whole life. I have a lot to bring to the table of motherhood. I don’t know what to do.
Good morning Dr. Billery, Dr. Jones will see you now.
Thank you, last office on the left, correct?
Yes, just walk in, he’s ready for you.
William Jones! It’s nice to see you again.
Hey Joe! Long time no see, how’s the wife? The last time we saw each other, she was planning the golf fundraiser for our research department.
Yeah that’s right, it has been a while. Rylie is doing well. She’s staying busy helping the lives of the misfits. It gives her a sense of philanthropic effort. How’s your misses doing these days?
She’s been having a hard time since her brother passed away in that helicopter accident. He was flying over the Himalayan mountains when he lost control. She’s away at her mother’s right now. I’ve just been trying to be there for her emotionally.
I’m sorry to hear that Will. Send her my best regards.
Thanks Joe. She’ll be happy to know you’re thinking of her. So what’s up? What else is going on with you?
As a matter of fact, I’m here on her behalf of Rylie, we have a situation. As you know, it’s not a secret that we’ve been trying to have a baby for a few years now. Nothing is working, with good reason. I feel like I’m getting too close to getting wrapped up in a Q and A session deciphering what’s wrong with us… mostly directed at me. I’m anticipating the dreadful moment of telling her about my vasectomy. Rylie has asked me countless times if there’s anything that I have to tell her. I just can’t bring myself to revealing that part of my life. I plan to take that moment in time to the grave with me. With that, I need your help… Let’s not forget that I’ve already jumped through hoops and pulled strings to get you nominated. I’m willing to send a hefty payment your way to keep my secret going.
Oh man… I… I don’t know what to say. What exactly are you asking me to do?
We’re both passionate about our jobs right? At the top of our careers and it feels pretty damn good up here in our positions doesn’t it?
Absolutely, I worked hard getting here. It helped me out tremendously with your letter of recommendation. I’m still quite perplexed with what you are asking me to do, Joe. We’re adults, spit it out.
You have a lot to lose if this doesn’t work out… Keep in mind I know your past. I know all about who you used to be. It’s certainly contradicts the life you are trying to live now. I can expose your secrets and end your career and have you demoted.
Are you blackmailing me Joe? What’s going on here? I trusted you with that information, and now you’re using it against me? I don’t understand what happened, or what this is all about. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.
Really? Hmm… that’s interesting. If my memory serves me correctly, you’re the reason for my vasectomy. My childhood wasn’t all fun and games with us constantly having to move and get new identities. There were too many times that you were the cause of mother’s nervous breakdowns; leaving me to clean up your dirty work. I decided I didn’t want to carry on with your criminal past. I didn’t want to bring anymore kids into this world carrying your DNA, Dad.
You wouldn’t… Who knows that you came to see me today? Did you tell anyone about this… or about me?
If you follow through, you have nothing to worry about.
Ok… alright! What do you want me to do?
Look… Rylie means everything to me. She’s a bit of a prima donna, but she’s put up with a lot of heartache and pain. She’s just misunderstood, and we know how to deal with each other. If I ever lose her over not being able to give her a family, your secret will unlock the doors to your demise. Your job is to find a newborn that will blend with my marriage. If this agreement is ever mentioned, I know where to find you.
Richard! Come and look at the nursery! I just finished putting up the curtains. I can’t believe that in a few months our son will be here. I don’t know how to take care of a baby. My mother said everyone kind of just learns along the way. I sure hope that’s true.
Yeah, it’s something isn’t it? Remember that I’m here with you. We trust in our faith that we’ll be great parents. You’re going to be a wonderful mom… This room looks fantastic. We’ve done a great job pulling this all together. I hope I can get some overtime over the next couple of months to make sure this room isn’t going to set us back by going over budget.
You can’t worry about that Rich. Let’s just have a good time planning how different and more exciting our lives will be when our son arrives. After my maternity leave is over, I’m sure I can pick up more hours at the restaurant. Without a baby bump, I’ll have more energy to get more tables so the tips will be better. It will all work out, you’ll see!
You know something though? I have a different feeling about our hospital staff that’s been with us throughout this pregnancy. I don’t know what it is, everyone is so nice and friendly, so I don’t have anything to go off from except for just this far-out feeling. I’m probably just being silly because this is our first baby and I just want everything to be perfect.
Katherine Cam Morgan, I love you with my whole heart. I’m going to be with you through the entire time. This is the only hospital that we can afford. I wish I could say something to make you feel more comfortable, but we have to rest in God’s word and know he has us in the palm of his hands. We’re going to have a family.
The Morgan’s are here to see you Dr. Jones.
Ok, send them back.
Hello Dr. Jones. My energy is running low, and this baby bump is getting huge! I’m excited to meet our new baby in the next couple of weeks.
Afternoon Katherine and Richard. Sounds like you’re well on your way to meeting your family’s addition… Please, have a seat.
Your baby boy is doing very well. All of his vitals are functioning at optimal levels. Zero signs of any health concerns. He’ll be ready to come out very soon. Here, you can change into this robe and the nurse will come and do your final examination. The next time you see us will be time for delivery.
This is it!! Richard, get up! It’s time to go!
I’m up! Is it time?
I think so, this is hurting!
Ok, I’m here with you, I’ll get the car and you grab your bag for the hospital.
Ok, hurry! Hee… hee… whoooooo… hee… hee… whoooooo.
You’re doing great. We’ll be at the hospital in no time. Ugh! Since when has there been a stop light here?
Help, help! We’re having a baby here!
Dr. Jones, Mr. and Mrs. Richard are here and ready to go. Room 4A is cleared and prepped for delivery.
Thank you, nurse. I’ll be on my way. Send the rest of the staff in for assistance.
Right away doctor!
Katherine, you’re doing great! Keep pushing, I can see the head. Everything is looking excellent. Just a little more, ok… push again!
Doctor, is it supposed to burn like this? It feels warm?
There’s a tear on your vaginal wall, but that’s nothing to be concerned with. It happens all the time during delivery. You’re in the best care, we’ll make sure your comfortable, and will get that taken care of as soon as the rest of your son makes it out here to us.
Ohhh, I knew something was going on, felt some pressure. I gotta push, I feel another contraction!
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Richard! You have yourself a beautiful baby boy! He’s perfect.
Thank you doctor. I’m tired. Just let me rest.
Will do Mrs. Richard. I’ll send in our specialist to get your tear stitched up.
Mrs. Richard, I’m Nurse Johnson. I’ll be getting you ready for your next procedure to get your wound taken care of. Before I can begin, you’ll have to sign these papers as a formal agreement of accepting medical care from our facility.
Didn’t we sign something like this already?
Umm, well Mr. and Mrs. Richard, it’s our policy to perform the best care and medical attention. Maybe it will be best to let Mr. Richard sign as you have to be in a sound state of mind. You just went through delivery and your medication has kicked in. Mr. Richard, if you don’t mind.
I don’t know if I’m comfortable signing this.
Mr. Richard, it is against our policy to perform any kind of surgery, including providing stitches, until the necessary documents are signed and completed.
We just went through delivery, the documents signed months ago should have covered us for this whole process. Where’s Dr. Jones? Let us see him and verify what’s going on.
Mr. Richard, your wife is losing blood by the minute the longer her wound is not stitched correctly. Rendering her to become susceptible to any kind of infection. That, Mr. Richard, could become fatal.
Ok, where do I sign?
Right here Mr. Richard, where it’s highlighted… Dr. Jones, it’s done.
My mother and father signed the documents which seemed like the only option to continue their care. That didn’t go as planned. Immediately after the ordeal of signing on the dotted line, my mother told me she whispered to my father, letting him know that she thinks they just signed their son away.
My father being a praying man proclaimed with faith and hesitancy, that everything will be okay. Little did they know they would leave the hospital without their son, being told that he passed away, without ever being able to see him again; not even a last glance with the supervision of the crooked hospital staff.
A few weeks to a month passed, which probably felt like an eternity of depression and heavy gloom. What seemed like a traditional post office drop off via the mail carrier, turned into more unanswered questions and a feeling of a intense horror. What the unopened envelope would reveal would change my parent’s lives even more than before… inside of the package displayed photographs of a mutilated baby. A baby that was supposed to be my brother. A baby that was supposed to have come home with my parents months before. Viewing the photographs, my mother could only weep, “that’s not my baby”.
Three years later, after that somber moment in time, I was born. Born into a craving desire for another baby. Born into a union of both happiness and sad memories. Born into something that could be the perfect recipe for disaster. Born into something where I would never be able to fill that void. But with that, I’m still here. Still confused, and still wondering who I am as Camry Morgan.