I’ve known for a while now that my life is an absolute mess. It feels like I’m existing in two different worlds. If ever the thoughts that circulate in my head were released into my reality, I would be admitted into a place where my only accessories would be arm and leg restraints. It is hard to find complete solace unless it is purchased at a department store and paid for with plastic. Somewhere out there is a Scorpio having a huge celebration of a birthday and enjoying life… and I’m sitting here trying not to toss my dining room table into the wall. I don’t even know how today began, I think I woke up… My name is Camry Morgan.
My phone rung and it was my mother [long and disgusting sigh]. She has good days and bad ones, just like anyone else. I just wish that she was medically diagnosed with Schizophrenia and Bi-polar disorder; at least that would explain the different moods and personalities. I answer the call – who am I going to get on the other end of the phone today?
“Hi baby! It’s your mother!” she says, as if I didn’t know. I can only conjure up enough energy to reply with a monotone, “YUP”.
“So I was thinking, I’m going to get out of my lease and move in with my cousin. She said it would be GREAT! We can have Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner there and we would all be together again. She said I can even have the bedroom if I want. And one of her boyfriend’s, well she said he’s just a friend, but he will help me to move all of my belongings over there… Sounds good huh?”…
Is this woman being serious right now? Just about a month ago, she was furiously telling me how terrible it was living with her two cousins in a duplex. They lived next door to each other sharing only a wall. Miraculously one fine afternoon, my mother notices her “hidden stash” of money, jewelry and other valuables were visibly tampered with and some items were stolen. This incident happened over five years ago. My mother didn’t want to file a police report, since it was family and all. But the grudge silently ticked like a bomb waiting to explode. Unfortunately, I would be the only one as a target for hearing about this disaster… over and over again… like someone pressed the replay button 10 times too many, and over the course of the next five years.
How else was I supposed to respond besides screaming at the top of my lungs and telling her how insanely stupid of a person she was being? Mix in a few other chosen words to demean her character, and then throw in how much I never needed her after the age of 10 anyway! [Huge sigh] Well that’s what my alter-ego did in my head. What really happened was an overflow of tears making puddles in my lap as I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That had to be the undiagnosed bi-polar disorder kicking in. I couldn’t utter a word of my true feelings. It was so hard to stay in my “normal character” and continue pretending to be someone else. But I did, and just mumbled, “Have fun in a house you’ve never even seen.”
That cousin could tell my mother that the world will be ending tomorrow when you see the sky turn neon green with flickering fireworks, but only between 1 and 1:15pm… and yup, my mother would believe her. Let me tell her something accurate, positive, and through experience – OH! Then I’M the crazy one.
So how did I get here? Who did I become? Who are these people around me?